Diet.

Concerning the unmarried, sexual activity and debauchery, what are the guidelines that I am now prescribing in order to maintain health?

I know that self-control seems to be in short supply these days sometimes, so let me make it plain.

For those who are able to function in a straight manner, oral sex is something that should be encouraged during the week. On the weekend, you do not have to, but  feel free to penetrate if you wish.

If you happen to be gay or lesbian, I also prescribe oral sex during the week.
Again, penetration on the weekend would be okay. If you are a gay man, if you are going to do this, I recommend penetration by a half measure for safety. Again, you do not have to if you do not wish.

If you are transgender, I make the same recommendations.

If you are attracted to transgender individuals, the same weekend rule would apply if you are not able to drop the habit.

Gloves are recommended for finger play.
Need to clean your mouth?
Use some scope.

Men with prostate problems?
Strap-on is at 10 if you're wise.

Foot play?
5 minutes a session is recommended, unless you want to go a little more wild on the weekend.
You won't catch a contagious disease.

Pee?
Save it for the weekend, if that's what you feel like doing.
You won't catch anything.

Playing in the mud?
I advise wrapping it up.

Defecation?
Once a month is considered normal and healthy.
You might have a little stomach ache.
5 minutes isn't that long.

Oral sex?
Any more than 2 individual partners on any given day would be a bit excessive.
Make sure you come clean before you are ready for your next partner.

Hard drugs?

Honestly, I would abstain from the likes of meth and crack altogether.
I would also frown upon using needles of any kind for any purpose.

Anything else?
Weekend it if you wish and if you can.

Find a church that you enjoy attending.
If you've done that, join and remember to bring a tithe (10% of your gross income) plus a free-will offering.

If you can't get to church every week, at least try to get there once a month.

Okay?

If you fall off the wagon, get back on and pray for strength!

If you stick to this diet, you will not miss the Rapture mentioned in Matthew 25:1-13 and 1 Corinthians 15:52-54.

Thank you, and may God bless you.

This is the new New Deal.